It’s been a week and two days since you’ve been gone… and it still feels so very unreal. I keep thinking you’ll walk through the door at work… with your hair and nails done… and your earrings…. you’d probably beat my ass for posting this pic of you without your hair done… but I would have told you you looked pretty regardless! I always thought it was magical you went on Fridays to get your hair done. But I post this pic… bc it’s of me and you, and we sent this snap to my mom in Virginia so that you could say hey to her. You two… the Scorpio Birthday buds… 🦂 Debra, I love you so much… and I know you know that… bc we told each other nearly every day “I love you.” My heart is sad. I lost one of my most favorite coworkers of all times. I remember the day you came in for your interview and I fell in love with you immediately. I knew in my heart that we needed you. I still need you. Ten years I had the pleasure of knowing you. Ten years your smile and sassiness lit up the office. Outreaches with you were always my favorite… you’d always start the day saying “Let’s get it poppin”… and we’d bust our asses seeing a million patients… we’d go to get food after and you’d always want your hamburger or sandwich or chicken sandwich cut in half. I always laughed at your detailed orders. And your gospel music in the morning… you were such a devoted gospel singer for over 25 years and your heart was devoted to Jesus. I feel okay and at peace to know that you are finally in your righteous place in Heaven with your precious Lord Jesus. Life here on Earth will miss you like fucking crazy. I love you Debra Ann. Come visit me in spirit form! 😘
I love him so much. I want to always remember how it felt to have him sleep on my chest.
Change is the only constant.
When you are in the midst of an awakening you start to question things…
Popular beliefs start to show their chin hairs… and the things you were once told to believe will all of a sudden not make sense anymore.
When you let go of who you thought you should be… you begin to realize who you really are.
It’s fuggin’ painful at times… and your greatest fear will be disappointing others because it has been beat into your head that you should be a certain way…
Deep down you know that you are changing… and the surrender to that change is going to be BIG & SCARY… but ohhh so worth it.
A bit of comforting advice… It’s actually not as scary as you think it will be.
You’ll wake up one morning with the will to live life on the next level… an up-level…
And you will no longer say… that’s the way we have always done it…
I love dreaming. Sometimes I have lucid dreams that feel so real… as if they are actually happening… Where time, space, and all of my senses are awake but I’m dreaming.
The last time I had a lucid dream I was walking through a store that had big bulky sweaters to buy. Racks and racks of them. When I realized that I was lucid dreaming… I stepped into the role to try and take advantage of my lucid dreaming. In the dream I put my baby down and I told myself to go to the register to buy a winning lottery ticket… and when I got to the register I couldn’t lucid dream… it stopped. So I had to go back to the racks of sweaters where I could then again lucid dream. I tried once more to go get a lottery ticket and my lucid dream stopped. I could not make the lottery ticket work.
Anyways… I looked up the meaning behind dreaming of sweaters…
I found a site that said if you dream about buying fashionable sweaters (which was what I was doing) that it was a way of saying you needed to ask for help from your friends and family in difficult situations, even when you don’t want to. And that is sooooo true for me! I hate asking for help… but maybe sometimes I should.
AND IN THE SAME paragraph it said if you were dreaming about an old stretched out sweater that this was about financial problems and that you shouldn’t buy a LOTTERY TICKET, because you wouldn’t win anyways. Whaaaaat?! Isn’t that weird? Kind of eerie! Never thought those two things would actually be in the same interpretation.
Anyways… I could go on and on about my weird ass dreams… crazy thing is… my name doppelgänger Kelly Walden is actually a dream analyzer. Even weirder!
That is all…
I truly believe in asking for signs. Ever since I was a little girl my mom and Grandma Skandamis used to talk about asking for signs.
The whole reason why I made the decision to become a pediatric echocardiographer was because I heard a little voice nudging me to. It was on a random day on the way home from work. At the time I had been working at the only pediatric cardiology office in the area (150 mile radius to be approximate) for over 8 years. I never really thought, previously, of myself as a medical care giver… and on this particular day nothing had happened that would have inspired me to pursue training. It was just another day at work. But on the ride home I looked into the sky at the tree line and heard a voice say “you should go to echo school.”
And at first I was a little stunned and taken back that this thought came to me out of no where. I didn’t know what to think because it never occurred to me to even consider going to school to learn how to do echos… in fact I was in my senior year of art school at SCAD so it was never in my radar.
But something about that voice made me start a series of asking for signs. When I heard the voice speak to me…my daughter Uma, was in the back seat crying. She was one at the time… almost two but that day I forgot to bring her pacifier. So she just kept crying and crying and crying. So I asked God if going to echo school was something I should pursue, then let Uma stop crying. And she did… immediately. And I thought …. okay.
So I kept driving… but wanted more of a confirmation… so I asked for a second sign… I asked that if I were to truly pursue this make it so that I get all the way to the after school program to pick up my other daughter without her crying the rest of the way. And I got all the way there, without a peep, pulled into the parking lot, the song with the lyrics “take a bite out of my heart” was playing… and I turned off the car with an overwhelming feeling that I needed to do it.
So that night I researched what it would take to get trained… went to work the next day… and talked to the two echo techs at the office about my interest… and to this day I got chills. The oldest tech was planning on retiring in two years, the time it would take for me to finish school, but hadn’t said anything yet… it was divine timing…. and the rest is history.
I’ve been a pediatric echo tech now for 7 years… and working in the same office for almost 17 years…. seems crazy to me… it all happened with a little voice and a series of signs…
I wouldn’t be who I am or have the relationships I have if I hadn’t listened to that little sign…
A Short Philosophy of Birds by Philippe J. Dubois & Elise Rousseau
This is a neat little book I bought in Virginia. Here is a brief little description of what the book is about: (from the back of the book):
“A French ornithologist and a French philosopher teach us to pause, look to the sky, and reconnect with the natural world, in twenty-two short lessons inspired by the secret lives of birds.”
All over my house I have bird decorations in every room. I even named my first born Ava which means “like a bird” or “bird” or “aviary”. I never realized how much I think about birds. But I do every day.