Feeling like Harriet the Spy these days… wanting to learn everything, see everything, and write down everything…
But what good is it if you don’t put beauty back into this world??!
I’ve been blogging for a better part of over a decade now… I’ve had many different blogs from blogspot to tumblr to WordPress… but this one was the first one I actually purchased the domain name too… not everyone understands blogging… and I am no pro… but I know the power in word … they are, after all, how we learn.
If I could offer any advice to anyone it would be that… life is a weird mother fucker… but if you play your cards right… and keep an eye open… you’ll find the beauty in EVERY hand you are dealt. Baby… know when to hold them… and when to fold them… and pray for the courage and wisdom to know the difference.
Be love… and you’ll attract love. And NEVER stop learning. That is all.
I’ve seen them. I have felt them. And I know that they are there. With us. Always.
There are times when I can feel them immensely.
And the times when I can’t feel them as strong… I long for them.
I have three key angels that are my guardians. My aunt Stacy. My grandpa Guarino. And Mary Magdalene. They are always with me.
I first saw my aunt Stacy in angel form when we lived in Germany. She had passed away in a car accident. I remember being in my moms room and looking into the bathroom and seeing this great light form and I knew it was her. I was so little. 4 or 5 years old. She still visits me often. The last time I felt her and my grandpa immensely was when I gave birth to my son. They visited us in the hospital.
My Grandpa Guarino is a little bit more subtle… but I feel him. When he passed away, he waited for me to get to the hospital before he left his human form. I was by myself. He had been in and out of the hospital and I was the only one that lived nearby. My parents were in Boston and siblings scattered between Florida, West Georgia, and Massachusetts. When he went back into the hospital my mom called and asked me to visit him that day. When I showed up he was non-responsive but his vitals were fine. I said… hey Grandpa I’m here. And within 10 minutes his vitals started to plummet unexpectedly. I had on my student echo scrubs and the male nurse came whipping around the corner to check on him. I don’t know why I didn’t realize what was happening when his telemetry was buzzing off. At first the male nurse thought I was a student and made the comment “don’t you die on me.” And as he was responding to my grandpa deteriorating he realized I was his granddaughter and his demeanor changed. Then a flood of people came running in trying to work on saving my grandpas life. They were giving his chest compressions and I was standing there crying watching it all. Then the doctor came in while they were working on him saying “this wasn’t supposed to happen like this” to me and got some nurses to whisk me across the hall into another room and I could still see them and hear them working on him until he left us. When they called his death they brought me back into the room where his cold body lay. They handed my tissues and placed my hand in his cold, lifeless hand. And all I could do was cry. He waited for me to get there before he left his body. And to this day, I keep his rosaries hanging all over my house and next to my bedside. And I feel him all the time. It’s subtle… because he was always so subtle and quiet. And you know… he wasn’t my “biological” grandpa… or even my Dads “biological” dad…. but he took in my Dad and raised him as his own… and Just like my Dad and Grandpa, they both took me as their own and raised me as theirs. My protectors. And just as I type this… a picture on my wall that is taped up falls down. He’s here. I know.
My life is so at peace these days. And a little facial just makes it even lovelier. And Mary… well Mary knows best.
There is an important difference between dwelling in misery and understanding that on the path of healing things will come up that sometimes cause us to feel the old emotions and patterns that we are working on letting go.
There is great power in honoring the reality of our current emotions – not feeding them or making them worse but simply recognizing that this is what has arisen in this present moment and that this will also change. When ￼we create this space within ourselves – a space of calmness that is undisturbed by the storm – the storm tends to pass more quickly.
Practicing such profound honesty within ourselves helps in all facets of internal and external life – there is no real freedom without honesty, and without honesty, there can be no peace of mind.
Healing ourselves isn’t about constantly feeling bliss; being attached to bliss is a bondage of its own. Trying to force ourselves to be happy is counterproductive, because it suppresses the sometimes tough reality of the moment, pushing it back within the depths of our being, instead of allowing it to arise and release.
The exchange of words. The words. Nothing makes me feel more alive than writing.
When I was in college I took a couple creative writing classes. I debated on minoring in creative writing or printmaking but ended up doing neither… mostly because a single class was nearly 4 grand at SCAD. But really I was just a little chicken nugget and didn’t want to pay it back…
I’m still paying back what I have accrued.
But… the lessons I learned in my days in art school has served me well…
This was taken four years ago on our way back from Iceland. Me and my sister missed our connecting flight from Boston to Atlanta and at the time my Dad was a private pilot for a lady in Boston. As luck would have it his G450 was headed to Savannah for maintenance and service… literally the next day after we landed in Boston. So we got a free ride in a luxury Gulfstream back home.
Now he flys for the FBI in Washington D.C. 🙂
I love being a pilots daughter. My nephew wants to fly… he’s been talking with my Dad here lately about learning to fly in Vero Beach, Florida…. I truly truly hope he does! I’m trying to convince my oldest daughter to go to flight attendant school…. wouldn’t that be neat… the two oldest grands in the sky!? I love it!
They have one more year of high school left…. so we will see… a family in the sky… ✈️
Unconditional love. That is all I have to offer. Often misunderstood… Aloof like the Madonna. There is sacredness in your being. An unconscious conscious. Rise to the occasion and meet on a higher level of knowing.
Forgiveness. To yourself and to others. There comes a point in your life when you have to take a step back. Practice love. True love. The kind of love that is boundless and unconditional. A surrender. A conscious choice to let love reign supreme. Often times it’s expressed by forgiveness… followed by healing… and moving on.
Mary Magdalene keeps showing up in my life when I need her the most. When I struggle to find peace within myself and in the relationships I have or have had. And the only thing that keeps coming through is forgiveness and unconditional love. To forgive even myself for what I think I have or have not done.
They say we reincarnate with the same soul family in many life times. A soul family consisting of many soul mates. Soul mates as in your parents, siblings, lovers, family, and friends. But that there is only one true twin flame. And even though there is your counterpart that exists it doesn’t necessarily mean that in this lifetime you will reunite in a lovers way. You have soul work to do. There is so much soul work to do. And if you are lucky… maybe you will get to reunite in a lovers way to your true twin flame in this lifetime…
I have loved deeply. And I have lost deeply. I have experienced the greatest joy and the lowest depression. I have been to hell and back…and back again… only to have learned that there’s nowhere else to go… other than up from here. I’ve learned to be gentle, to be forgiving, to still love with every fiber… but for now, I choose me… I choose to love myself first… everything else will take its place.