Swan Spirit Animal
Grace.
Intuition.
Dreams.
Future.
Fidelity.
Love.
The SWAN 🦢 totem represents all of these and more. Above all, the SWAN invokes GRACE as she intuitively sees into the future and accepts what may be. It’s the trust in letting go. It’s the acceptance of what the future holds. Dreams hold answers to the future. Intuition is the heart of the matter. And grace is what carries you along.
I believe in angels.
I’ve seen them. I have felt them. And I know that they are there. With us. Always.
There are times when I can feel them immensely.
And the times when I can’t feel them as strong… I long for them.
I have three key angels that are my guardians. My aunt Stacy. My grandpa Guarino. And Mary Magdalene. They are always with me.
I first saw my aunt Stacy in angel form when we lived in Germany. She had passed away in a car accident. I remember being in my moms room and looking into the bathroom and seeing this great light form and I knew it was her. I was so little. 4 or 5 years old. She still visits me often. The last time I felt her and my grandpa immensely was when I gave birth to my son. They visited us in the hospital.
My Grandpa Guarino is a little bit more subtle… but I feel him. When he passed away, he waited for me to get to the hospital before he left his human form. I was by myself. He had been in and out of the hospital and I was the only one that lived nearby. My parents were in Boston and siblings scattered between Florida, West Georgia, and Massachusetts. When he went back into the hospital my mom called and asked me to visit him that day. When I showed up he was non-responsive but his vitals were fine. I said… hey Grandpa I’m here. And within 10 minutes his vitals started to plummet unexpectedly. I had on my student echo scrubs and the male nurse came whipping around the corner to check on him. I don’t know why I didn’t realize what was happening when his telemetry was buzzing off. At first the male nurse thought I was a student and made the comment “don’t you die on me.” And as he was responding to my grandpa deteriorating he realized I was his granddaughter and his demeanor changed. Then a flood of people came running in trying to work on saving my grandpas life. They were giving his chest compressions and I was standing there crying watching it all. Then the doctor came in while they were working on him saying “this wasn’t supposed to happen like this” to me and got some nurses to whisk me across the hall into another room and I could still see them and hear them working on him until he left us. When they called his death they brought me back into the room where his cold body lay. They handed my tissues and placed my hand in his cold, lifeless hand. And all I could do was cry. He waited for me to get there before he left his body. And to this day, I keep his rosaries hanging all over my house and next to my bedside. And I feel him all the time. It’s subtle… because he was always so subtle and quiet. And you know… he wasn’t my “biological” grandpa… or even my Dads “biological” dad…. but he took in my Dad and raised him as his own… and Just like my Dad and Grandpa, they both took me as their own and raised me as theirs. My protectors. And just as I type this… a picture on my wall that is taped up falls down. He’s here. I know.
My life is so at peace these days. And a little facial just makes it even lovelier. And Mary… well Mary knows best.
On the second day of the year…. I chopped it off… not bad for doing it myself!
So Fresh. So Clean.
My little Swan Song
The best thing that happened in the year 2020 was having my little boy. I don’t know how to explain the energy shift that came to be when I became pregnant with him and then held him in my arms. My whole life changed. My soul felt lighter… happier… and calmer. My anxieties fell… and my past traumas were no longer haunting me. It was like a little bit of magic washed over me and I suddenly found acceptance and freedom… a new lighter me. He was the change that I needed. He was my little swan song to the old me.
My days are now filled with joy… with smiles… and with immense unconditional love. I look at people no longer as people… but as souls just trying to find their way home. My patience is superb. My love BIG…
Reflecting back on the last solar year I realized that I needed my little boy to put me in check… to up-level me… he made me better.
For my next solar year projection I want to take on the energies of the Swan 🦢 and Dove🕊 totem. To express peace and grace in all that I do. To share beauty and love in all that I am. To treat each day as a gift.
Well.
Today I’m tired.
Online school for 5th graders sucks and is way too time consuming.
I let it get the better of me.
My attitude stinks.
I’ve been fussing all morning and afternoon to Uma about it.
Willem can’t stand it.
Ava has helped tag team between helping with Uma and Willem.
All I wanted was a hot meal and a cocktail.
Managed to finish cooking.
But it’s sitting there getting cold.
Because Willem is being needy today.
Where’s my cocktail?
P.S. I love my birthmark on my eyebrow & my skin feels pretty. So there.
Full Moon in Aquarius.
As my favorite astrologer Steven Forrest says… “Freedom -that is the Aquarian endpoint. What is it? Individuality. The ability to choose our own path. To do what we want to do. To take orders from no one…”
And as Dr. Joe Dispenza says… “The best way to predict the future is to create it. Not from the known… but from the unknown.”
It’s impressive… life, that is… from conception… to birth… to infancy into childhood… adolescence into adulthood… and into our elder years… how much we change in the course of time… what we learn… what we share… and the epiphanies along the way…
The chances we have…
The steps we take…
What we choose to believe…
And what we give our energy to…
I’m ready for the next phase in my life… the old me no longer exists. My beliefs have changed… my heart has changed… and I’m ready to move on.
There is beauty in growing. There is light to be found. What once served a purpose… can now be graciously set on a shelf as a faded memory of lessons learned… to be looked upon but never held again.
The old me doesn’t exist anymore. Neither does the old you.
I took this photo in October 2018… after what was the hardest summer of my life. I had bought this outfit with the intention of using it on a particular day. A day when I could liberate myself from the mess I had found myself in… I never got to wear it for what I had intended it for… and the following months are hard to forget. I wish I could forget them.
A year later I had a miscarriage.
And this October… two years later.. I’ll give birth to a baby boy…
The past two years of my life have truly been the hardest years of my life… I found myself in several little messes… some of which I had made myself… and some of which were made by others.. but what I am learning… is how to be liberated… how to be free…
Below are words by Tara Bliss… found via her podcast Sounds Like Bliss on episode 14: The Goddess with her hand on my back. You can find it at https://tarabliss.com.au/episode14/. Give it a listen.., it’s for all women facing those big forks in the road. From her transcript below:
“My heart was thumping, and I was angry, but my breath was calm, and I could taste liberation. So close. So close this time. So close to me lingering in my nose, still requiring me to chew and spit out the bones and then swallow in good faith.
In one moment it seemed a kaleidoscope of memories lay out before me, time frozen as I acclimated to the intensity of this here reality. A fork in the road appeared in my mind, a fork I had seen many times before and veered off in the wrong direction due to naivety, avoidance, codependency. But the invitation for my 15 seconds of courage was nigh, and it was urgent.
These are the moments that refine and define a woman’s life. These are the moments that redefine her and all that she can be. And this moment wasn’t just mine, it was an archetypal boom in the cosmos, a big bang in and of itself for all women too afraid to do the hard necessary thing.
I felt millions of women with me as I calmly packed my bag that afternoon. I felt the Goddess with her hand gently pressed into the back of my heart as I pushed the gate open. I felt the huddle of hope around me in that car almost as if every woman who wanted to draw strength from my strength was absorbing warmth from a fire. My fire. Holding their breath as my key turned in the ignition, holding their breath because they feared that this would be just another detour down that shonky branch of that fork in that road. Another detour into simply taking some space and collecting some thoughts and taking some more responsibility for what was not ours… what was never ours to carry. For uttering apologies, it’s circumstances unworthy. I could hear them urge, repeat, beg…. drive. They needed proof that they could do it too.
And as they keys turned into the door of my secret studio apartment, a cove of safety and retreat, and as I entered with tears of relief stinging my eyes, these women in my heart and all around me did the most unexpected thing. They danced.
And I, salty and dehydrated from weeping, I joined them. The nights I dissolved that contract, I danced in that little studio apartment until sweat ran down my thighs and down my back and sexual energy eclipsed me into tingles. All that power, I had syphoned into trying to keep a tower without healthy foundations tall, mine again. Striking me like lightning, coming home, humbling me with how worthy I felt to lay and stand and dance in the receivership of it. Caressing that guilt right out of my bloodstream.” –Tara Bliss
The Walden Moon 