I can’t sleep. No, not tonight.

Today wasn’t a very good day.

I was a little cold hearted.

Anger and resentment came out of nowhere and sucker punched me in the gut.

I didn’t even see it coming.

But I suppose the brain works in weird ways.

Neuro-pathways are always there, even when they are dormant.

I suppose today was one of those days when a simple conversation about how we worked through COVID busted open a pain in me that came out as an unsuspected outburst.

Anytime someone talks about being sick I have a visceral reaction to it, but I try to not let it be known.

But sometimes, I can’t control what comes out of my mouth.

When a coworker asked if another co-worker was going to come back to work tomorrow from being sick I snapped and said, “I don’t know and I don’t care and I don’t care about any of this.” And stomped off like a little baby.

I surprised myself. Where the fuck did that come from?

So I googled, what the fuck is wrong with me? And there… in my face, so clearly I’m still holding on to some serious grief, anger, and resentment that maybe I should go to counseling for.

And maybe this was all supposed to happen. So that I could grieve properly. Actually get help.

And maybe having the blanket she bought me for secret Santa on my bed for the past week was just the precursor for what happened today. Just a snowball of events that led up to my outburst.

People grieve in different ways. And little things like small insignificant conversations or even just a word can trigger people. It’s like the brain picks up shit and paints a picture for you without you even trying. And sometimes those pictures are painful to look at. Makes you feel like a monster even when you know you’re not.

Maybe I needed this… to recognize the anger and resentment still left in me. I don’t want it to be here anymore. I don’t.

I’m tired of feeling crazy when I hear about people getting sick. So I put up walls, I try to shut it down, I deflect when I can, and try to avoid things at all cost. It’s not helpful, but I don’t know how to deal with it any other way.

And sure, you could say, don’t let it bother you so much… but that’s not helpful for me.

It’s like telling a drug addict to just stop taking drugs. You can say it all you want. But those are meaningless words to someone who is suffering. It takes more than words.

It takes work… It takes time.. and constant effort to heal wounds and no two paths to healing are the same. And will you ever be truly healed? I don’t know. But with time it gets easier.

🤍K.